Paris Speech
January 2007

Hi, the speech I am about to make to you is about my life and the personal mountains I have climbed. I hope it will give some inspiration and greater understanding of my illness.

Since my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia in 1996, I have been on a personal quest such as trekking and now even climbing in the Himalayas to help try and change peoples understanding of my illness, and to prove to others and ‘myself’ that l and the likes of me are greater than the labels and symptoms of our diagnosis.

When I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I was told I was one of the severest cases that my psychiatrist had ever come across. I was also told I may never work again and that the rest of my life would be about coping with my illness, I was also put on disability benefits for life…

My diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia is a correct diagnosis. I’ve always been able to recognise the symptoms such as the voices, psychosis, false and irrational beliefs, thought disorder, suicidal thoughts, depression, lack of motivation, the feeling of being controlled by outside forces and of course the paranoia and fear of persecution.

These symptoms are very destructive and disabling and has, like with many others, taken away my life, my mind, love and family, and has offered very little in return…but I have learnt, my illness can also be very intriguing.

I personally believe that part of the reason my illness is so destructive is because ‘as yet’ we do not have full understanding of schizophrenia, its power and its possible use for creation.

My illness, As Dr john Nash stated in his own story ‘a beautiful mind’ has taken me from the ‘physical to the metaphysical’ and for me personally I am still, although very well, in a world where sometimes I still cross between the two.

Schizophrenia is the most powerful thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I have often had very powerful thoughts, which are classed as delusional and psychotic, which has provided nothing but destruction in my life. And has left me feeling broken, ashamed, weak, and even as though my mind is inferior to others…

But now in the future, I have more understanding of my illness, and I sometimes believe the reality is, that something is going on within my mind, something about schizophrenia, which is too advanced for my current thought processes to deal with.

And I believe that there’s something about the illness that is very creative, very insightful, very sensitive, very intuitive, even paranormal, that, as yet, we have not truly understood or in fact discovered.

And if nurtured and understood correctly we could find something quite powerful within that could be used for creation over the devastation that we understand…

How it stands, schizophrenia is very destructive and confusing. My own personal symptoms and delusions has included beliefs of contact with other consciousness? Even contact with myself from the future and now I’m in the future contact with myself from the past.

I hear voices and strange words, see strange shapes and colours, feel fear and paranoia, and often believe I share my spirit and mind with others.

Which can leave me scared and confused, without understanding of who or what I am.

My own illness was triggered by my involvement with marching on the streets of Moscow in 1991, against the communist hardliners who attempted a coup against the then Russian leader Mikhail Gorbachev. On my return to London I began to fear persecution from the KGB for my involvement with the marching.

As I look back now, I feared the KGB, not from any personal experience but more from reputation and the negativity planted in my mind by ‘Home Beliefs’ about the USSR.

On my return to London in 91, I tried to convince myself that I was under no threat and that my fears were unjustified but I quickly began to fear everyone and feared that my life was in danger.

But stress and paranoia began to take its toll. I quickly became confused with my thinking, obsessed that I was being followed.

And as the weeks passed, I had to leave my work. Anxiety and paranoia were ‘quickly and devastatingly’ beginning to ruin my life and a deep routed illness was setting in.

Also, at this time I had my first psychotic experience. As I laid on my bed trying to relax, I found myself in complete darkness and had the experience of being physically vortexed into my own dark mind. And as I stated to scream I found myself back on my bed with a strange sensation around my head. It was as though I was sucked away into darkness from any life or reality.

And because of this psychotic experience I finally had the guts to approach a doctor. And thankfully he recognised that my life was in crisis and I was immediately signed off from work and assigned for assessment with a psychiatrist in London.

I was now at the beginning of my full-blown illness and I decided to leave London and move to Devon South West England where I thought it would be harder for the KGB to find me.

When I think back, I moved away because I was also hiding my state of mind away from my family and friends, as I was, at that time, ashamed that I may have something wrong with my mind. It took me many years to understand that it was a strength to admit my illness and seek help and more of a weakness to hide away from it.

Anyway, I was living in Devon for 4 years and in that time I did become quite unwell yet schizophrenia was not diagnosed. I was though put on anti depressants and offered on a few occasions Electro Convulsive Therapy and asked to enter hospital on a voluntary basis twice, which I refused…

I had started hearing voices, seeing strange powerful oval shapes in my thoughts, talking to myself and was in fear most days for my life.

During the time just before I visited Moscow I did have quite strong feelings that something may happen to the USSR whilst I was there on my visit, almost like a premonition.

And because of this feeling, I began to question why did I go to Moscow and why did the coup happen whilst I was there?

And I became convinced, because of this psychic, premonition feeling, that I had stumbled across a psychic war, East against West and what happened to Russia and the rise against communism didn’t happen by chance and it was, in fact, psychics in the Western world controlling the thoughts of people in the USSR to rise up and so quash communism…

And I began to think my delusions and fears and depression and what was generally a complete breakdown of my mind and life was now down to those who created the psychic war…and these people knew about my premonition and knew it caused me to visit Moscow and were now trying to destroy me for being involved…and for knowing too much about them!!!

So my life was deteriorating and had in fact gone…I was also starting to have contact with alien forms, I was walking around talking to myself, I feared for my life, feared my family, my friends, voices were shouting at me to kill myself and I was very depressed…then on top of that I began to feel I was a messenger from the gods and that dolphins and whales were communicating with their concerns about the world, global warming the deterioration of marine life etc…

Meeting with the enemy!
In late 1996 and after I had met my future wife Rebecca, we decided to move to Dorset still in SW England simply because it offered greater possibilities for work for Rebecca.

I immediately signed on to a new doctor and spoke to the Doctor about my situation and was straight away given an appointment to have an urgent assessment with the community mental health team in Dorchester. And with that assessment I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

And as soon as I was diagnosed I felt relief, as though I had finally met with my enemy! Straight away, I researched the illness and immediately related to all the symptoms as I mentioned earlier.

But, unfortunately, as soon as I was diagnosed I quickly became disillusioned with the service that was there to help and care with my illness. Once diagnosed, I was told that I was a ‘service user’ rather than ‘patient’. My partner was not a partner but labelled as my ‘carer’. When she became my wife, she was still referred to as my ‘carer’.

I was also told by my psychiatric nurse that it was very likely ‘I would never work again in my life’ and that the rest of my life would probably be about ‘fighting to keep my schizophrenia under control’. I had never contemplated not working again and had always assumed that I would gain control over my illness and one day, sooner rather than later, be able to return to work.

I was also told that I had ‘to prove’ that I could perform as a normal member in society and that I wouldn’t be ‘a threat’ to anyone.

So, the demoralisation caused by my illness was complete and soon after my diagnosis I became a broken man. The lack of right care and understanding of my needs as a sufferer of schizophrenia and being treated more as a 'condition' that needed controlling over a person that needed 'understanding' made sure of that.

And in the years from 1996 to 2000 I was really in my darkest depths. I was very depressed very unsure of who I was, convinced I was in the wrong time…convinced I was being destroyed by psychics. The visions of feelings of being in contact with alien sources ‘the Greys’ were very strong and were providing my life with much confusions and anxiety.

I also even started to have very vivid nightmares about abductions and being experimented on.

And if I wasn’t being abducted I was having nightmares of being haunted by the dead.

The voices in my head were often screaming at me telling me I was worthless, even pushing me to run in front of moving cars…

I didn’t feel I belonged to the human race.

I just was unable to function in life and often cried at the thought of shaving, it was just too much…

I felt so alone, so frightened and without understanding.

I was also becoming very obese and by the late 90’s my weight had reached 162kg. When I was diagnosed I weighed approx 92kg.

An because of my weight and smoking 30 cigarettes a day, I was told by my Doctor that I was ‘en route’ for a heart attack. I had also been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes…

I really couldn’t have got any lower or felt so unvalued and worthless in life…and because I was so low, I decided that I needed to make a decision…I wasn’t prepared to carry on living this way, I mean it wasn’t living, I wasn’t even really existing…

So, I decided that I would either give up and die or fight and change my life for the better. I had no purpose in life, no dreams or aspirations, no value.

And I remember clearly sitting on my sofa deciding what I should do. Do I fight or do I give up?

Hope
But there was, though, one bit of hope that did keep me going in life, and that was a personal belief in myself, although very low, that things somehow could get better.

I also had a personal belief of mental time travel. Very often I would project my thoughts and feelings to my future self trying to bring good feelings and thoughts back to my present time…

I would sit in complete silence for hour upon hour, often falling asleep…and on many occasions after projecting my thoughts to the future I did actually, feel good, as though I was in a better position in life than I was at the present time…

And this kept me going and kept me having some belief in myself….I still do it now but now I actually focus the good in my life back to myself in the past…

Even if it’s a complete delusion, it was a delusion worth having. A delusion that offered some feelings of hope.

So, I did decide to fight. And whilst deciding to fight I also made solid goals to achieve. To give up smoking. Become a stronger person. A balanced person. To have more control of my life and my destiny. To find greater belief in myself where all other belief had failed.

And to find better medication…

Find the will to succeed.

To find me…and who and what I wanted to be…

And that day on my sofa was the real beginning of my recovery. And I knew it would be a long challenge over many years or maybe a challenge that may take me for the rest of my life to succeed with.

The very 1st thing I needed to do was to find the right medication and the hardest challenge about that was convincing the psychiatrist and my nurse that I needed new medication…and it wasn’t easy. The medication I was on, was working quite well with my symptoms, but it was harming me in many other ways, such as the weight gain and other side effects which were being overlooked by psychiatry.

But I did manage over some time to change their minds with the help of my Doctor who showed great concern for my physical deterioration.

And eventually I was offered Seroquel. Seroquel didn’t work with me at 1st…it took some months to get use to the medication, especially the sedation…but after a few months the side effects began to withdraw

And I began to feel a better person on Seroquel…more balanced, very less side effects compared to other medication…even sexual desire returned which had been lost for sometime…

In unison with Seroquel I also began to fully accept my illness and my delusions. For sometime I had been fighting my symptoms, the voices, the fears and paranoia and the more I fought them the stronger they became…

So I began to experiment with my symptoms and listen to my voices and even talk with them. I began to look at the alien figures and accept that they were part of me and accept there presence..

And more or less straight away the voices started to ease…when I said to myself, I hear you… a voice would reply to me DO YOU…Oh!!! Sort of surprised.

And with the alien visions, once I said out loud to myself, I accept you, I see you, their heads began to bow in a submissive position…

I also began to think to myself that surely an illness that can devastate me so effectively, can somewhere along the line be used to create…if only I could turn it around to work for me rather than against.

So, over time I tried to work with my illness and the theory was that in time the devastation would ease and creation would become more prominent.

And it did. With thanks to my own self will and Seroquel and also one other stroke of luck was finding a good friend who let me talk to him about my darkest thoughts without being judged or made to feel bad because of my illness…And as my life began to heal the more I craved life, the more I wanted to succeed.

One thing that I did look for in life and was clearly missing, was a hero for me to aspire too, who had schizophrenia. And achieved great things.

A bit later on the story of ‘a beautiful mind’ about dr john Nash was released on film in 2001

What John Nash’s’ story did for me was to give me the desire to achieve great things myself. It also made me realise that there needs to be many more heroes out there who have severe mental illness especially that of schizophrenia…

People that others like me could look up too, writers, artists, photographers, TV hosts, explorers.

Its needed…we all need heroes and people we can aspire to in life…

Eventually, life was getting better for me. I had started to turn it around. I recognised that only I could do it for myself. And I realised I had to work beyond the mental health services provided.

And one day, I was looking through adverts in a magazine, I noticed one about trekking in Nepal and seeing Everest and getting to Everest BC…and it just got my attention for a while…I then started to think about Edmund Hillary and I remembered that I was fascinated by Everest as a child, id always been fascinated but I had forgotten about it…

And this advert caused me to start dreaming again and wanting to do something good in life. And I actually put the magazine down and thought ‘well’ that’s would be a nice thing to do and great to see Everest but there was no way I could do it, for financial reasons, and for health reasons…

But something yearned within me…and I think what I began to realise and find in myself, with feeling better in life, was hope and dreams…

I knew it was going to be an immense challenge for me personally…to get to Everest BC you have to be fit. And it was recommended that you should be able to walk 12 miles a day and I couldn’t walk for 10 minutes without it being painful…

On top of that I had all my symptoms to cope with. So, I knew I had an immense mountain to climb before I even got to Nepal…

But something within me, made me believe that I could succeed. And maybe I could help others somehow?

And if I was going to do something inspiring I wanted it to be something strong and symbolic of my own struggles in life.

And Everest BC offered all that …

But the next questions was how could I achieve it…How could I find the funding…Also one of the symptoms of schizophrenia is ‘delusions of grandeur’ had I set my goals far too high, as others would suggest?

Who would fund an extremely obese schizophrenic who wanted to attempt the hardest trek in the world???

To get straight to the point…amazingly an organisation called the Winston Churchill Memorial Trust did…And I owe them my life for doing so.

Now for anyone that doesn’t know, Winston Churchill was a great British leader and has recently been voted by the British public the greatest Britain to ever have lived. And the Winston Churchill memorial trust was set up on the death of the great man to help people from all different walks in life to achieve something worthwhile, which will benefit them personally and also help others.

And after various application forms and interviews I was awarded a Winston Churchill travel fellowship which funded me to go to Nepal and trek to Everest BC with the purpose to inspire and try to educate about overcoming schizophrenia and achieving personal goals.

The award was a life changing experience for me. And gave me a future and made me feel I had a much needed value.

And come October 2003 and after such an immense personal challenge getting fit, dealing with my paranoia, fears of alien abduction, fears for my life, whilst out walking and training, I was on my way to Nepal…for the 1st time.

During my training before I left for Nepal, my road to recovery had many benefits. Just walking for ten minutes a day from A to B helped not only with physical fitness but helped me to regain some much needed structure in my life.

And completing these very small but very significant tasks were the initial stepping stones to the greater tasks I would attempt in my future.

I also started to use my powerful imagination/delusion to work for me…I had always enjoyed Ted Hughes story the Iron Giant…and when I walking in the forests of Dorset and having to walk the simplest hills, I would see in my mind without prompting the iron Giant at the top of the hill pulling me up with a rope. And I could actually feel the rope around me and could feel the giant pulling me along.

I also made imaginary friends along my routes who I would speak to and talk to about my life. They too would encourage me on my walks and fitness campaign…again they were not images I ‘conjured’ with purpose, they like the ‘iron giant’ appeared within my mind, initially with surprise and power.

And did, like other delusions, have a sense of reality about them, a sense of presence.

I also began to use my voices to encourage me and let them scream and shout at me, to go further, and call me all the names under the sun and push me to greater limits…which they stopped once I had reached their point of achievement.

So I had started to use my symptoms to work for me rather than against me…

And by time I was ready to leave for Nepal I was 40kg lighter and walking for 4 hours a day along very hilly terrain up and down the Dorset coast.

Leading up to my 1st visit to Nepal I was very nervous about the task in front of me, I wasn’t too concerned about my illness, I began to realise that I did have some control of my symptoms and I was trusting Seroquel to do its job… but I was still concerned about my weight. Although I had lost 40kg I still weighed just over 122kg which was still too much to carry whilst walking in such harsh and high conditions.

But I was armed with fitness and self belief….and a will to succeed.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the wonderful effect the Himalayas and the people of Nepal would have on my life…

The wisdom I found and the culture, the gentleness, yet strength of the people, especially the Sherpa’s…the beauty and intrigue of Kathmandu, the magnificence of the mountains and the fact that I was unjudged, and treated for the 1st time in many years as Mr Stuart baker-brown, as someone who was beyond my label of schizophrenic…

When I saw the Himalayas for the 1st time out of the plane window, it bought an unexpected emotional response, tears in my eyes, not only was I realising my dream of seeing Everest and trekking to base camp, but I had the personal feeling that if ever God was on Earth he would be there in the Himalayas…

For some reason I also thought I may fear the mountains, they would be just too giant, over powering, but I actually became in awe of their presence and instead of fearing them, I felt somewhat protected by them.

The trek itself starts at Lukla which is at 2900m approx 9000ft…which you fly intro from Kathmandu. The construction of Lukla airport was initiated by sir Edmund Hillary in 1964 to help get supplies in and out of the Everest region…the airstrip is angled and is one of the most dangerous airports in the world to land and take off…

So the adventure really does start at day one…and once you land at Lukla you feel straight away that the air is thinner and there’s often a smell of yak dung and juniper trees burning…

Some people can manage the trek to Everest BC and back to Lukla within 2 weeks… but I allowed myself 3 weeks and a little more if needed because I was very aware that I would have more difficulties than others.

And I was right to do so.

As soon as you arrive in Lukla you are in Sherpa territory the khumbu region and I immediately on meeting my sherpas had great respect for them especially Nuru who lead my trek and who is a good friend of mine to this day…

I even felt confident enough to speak with Nuru about my schizophrenia and we also spoke about the illness in the Sherpa community and he and other Sherpa were very understanding and even wanted to learn about my schizophrenia further.

So, I immediately found friends and felt I was amongst people I trusted and amongst mountains which made me feel protected.

So, this trek was becoming, very quickly, far more than just reaching Everest BC…although it was an immense physical and mental achievement it was also a huge learning curve…

Even how I view life as a whole…how I now interact with people…within the small understanding of Buddhism I found from Nuru, whilst sitting and eating with him in the lodges, I have learnt to be more understanding and accepting of others, especially their views towards me and my illness…

I did succeed in my goals, and eventually reached Everest BC at 5600m. I just kept on striving forwards although wanting to give up…and feeling quite unwell with symptoms of altitude sickness and schizophrenia. And a doctor had to be called, and she told me that I should give up…but I thought…what’s new!!!

Just before anyone reaches Base Camp at 5600m there’s an opportunity to trek up a mountain named Kalla Patar. The purpose of getting to the top of Kala Pattar is that you can see the best view of Everest along the route.

And although I felt very unwell I knew for a long time I wanted to get up Kala Pattar to see Everest. it’s the bit I kept on reading about in the books. And I did and I managed to see the most fantastic site I have ever seen in my life…this is the picture here. Show photo of Everest on Fire…

Now what I didn’t know at the time and learnt afterwards was that something special had happened to the sun which caused amazing sunsets that evening across the globe. I took a few photographs of Everest but this one is with a red filter and shows Everest how I saw it…like it was on fire.

And sitting on Kala Pattar I just thought to myself, id love to get to the top of that one day. And everything about the great mountain, as my trek, represented my struggle with schizophrenia.

So the journey although extremely hard, was a success, and on my return to the UK I yearned to be back in Nepal, I yearned for the Himalayas and to see Everest again.

I made a trip back in 2004, just to visit Kathmandu and Nuru and we spoke about the possibilities of me one day climbing Everest. Nuru felt that I could succeed with the right Sherpa’s, he thought my heart was big enough.

So, I decided to go back again in 2005, and this time I visited Tibet because I wanted to get even closer to Everest and when you cross the plateau after what is surely the most arduous drive by 4x4 you will go on your life, we reached Rongbuk and from Rongbuk you can see the great mountain in its entirety and it is magnificent…Rongbuk was where Mallory and Irvine attempted their summit of Everest in 1924. Now it had such appeal to me that when Nuru and I were at BC on the Tibetan side I said to him shall we go now!!!

Which was a ludicrous idea but it was so appealing…And on that same day I made the decision that I would like to climb Everest. And Nuru said he would join me.

There’s something about these mountains though which are very inviting…from a distance they look accessible as though you can just walk them…And I’ve always had that feeling with Everest. But, I also have immense respect for the mountains and fully understand that the mountains especially Everest are in control of my destiny just as much as me…we have to work together and I have to respect Everest’s power, just like the respect I have for my illness and the destruction it can sometimes cause if I don’t take care!!!

In part of a message sent to me from Peter Hillary son of Edmund Hillary when he heard I was going to attempt Everest he says on climbing the mountain, Some of the challenges come from unexpected quarters such as home sickness, loneliness, a private dread of the objective dangers high on the mountain and perhaps worst of all that knowing fear of whether YOU will be up to the task. But Stuart has already had to deal with some substantial challenges and this may even fortify him for the long hard climb ahead.

Now I believe there is a lot of truth in those words from peter, I believe that my journey with schizophrenia has fortified me and has put me in a good position in life to cope with whatever Everest may throw at me.

So, the similarities of Everest and schizophrenia are apparent and as my schizophrenia, Everest, can take away and destroy but it can also give so much and create!!!

On my return to UK from Nepal and Tibet, I decided to make definite plans, look into the funding, set up the one mans mountain website, speak to people about sponsorship…

So the ball was rolling… White Lantern Film who are based in Southampton UK jumped on board after hearing about my project and wanted to make a documentary about my life…so they joined and we created the one mans mountain project and website.

We deicide to aim the project for spring 2007. This would give me plenty of time to lose weight and the documentary team to sort out funding and backing for the filming.

One thing I needed to do though was get climbing experience. So we decided in early 2006 I would visit Nepal again and try and climb a well known mountain called Mera Peak which is 6500m high.

My purpose was to go there by myself for one month and put myself under extreme pressure in extreme conditions to test my illness and all the symptoms that come with schizophrenia. I was also using the experience for mountaineering training, such as rope work and ice pick work…

One other reason was to test my medication. Now when I was trekking to Everest Base Camp and when I was in Tibet at altitude I had quite of bit of trouble with sedation and also there seemed to be a link with altitude sickness which can be lethal. Often within 15 minutes of taking my medication I was feeling quite unwell, sick, dizzy and breathless and a thumping headache came on. Symptoms of AMS.

If this happened on Everest it could potentially put me in a life threatening situation…Its even life threatening going to BC…so Mera was going to help me have greater understanding of the links, if any.

One thing that was different in Mera, than on other times, was, that I was so well, and I had been surviving on a very low dose of Seroquel. I think at Everest BC I was on 700mg a day.
And in Tibet maybe 600mg…At Mera I was surviving on between 200mg and when necessary 400mg…a day.

And I have to say all through my trip to Mera I suffered no symptoms of altitude sickness and generally felt very pleased with the way Seroquel was acting with me…but, I didn’t get beyond 5000m because of severe weather conditions and parts of Mera was under 12ft of snow. So, from what I gather the low dosage of Seroquel I am currently on should work fine and is low enough for me to not to be effected.

Although I was unable to summit Mera, the trip did serve its purpose. I got my mountaineering experience, learnt the rope techniques and climbed and even fell on a couple of occasions which to my surprise was quite exhilarating and I found myself laughing with my Sherpa’s as we fell down the ice and snow on a treacherous part of the climb at Chatra la…

My symptoms of schizophrenia did return whilst on Mera but I managed to control them. Having a good understanding of my symptoms and realising when they are becoming active helps me to have defence. Again understanding is the key. Mera also gave me a far greater understanding of all I need to know to achieve and prepare for Everest, mental and physical.

It also taught me that once again I have the heart to succeed the heart to cope with severe conditions and more than just survive in life I can begin to succeed and win!!!

Evaluation.
My story is about climbing mountains in many ways and about an illness that is very misunderstood and very disabling which has left me broken and demoralised. Its about reaching greater personal goals and fighting for what I believe in. Its about understanding that the smallest steps can lead to the greatest heights.

All my symptoms are with me now as I speak to you, the aliens are in front of me, amongst you, there’s a part of me that feels very insecure about being here, as though the secret services are testing what I have to say, and my voices are active, but, that’s schizophrenia!!! And the way I get over those feelings is with understanding!

My story is also about a personal will to survive, a will to be greater than my illness, its about following dreams and refusing to let anyone tell me that I cant achieve good things in life. Its about self discovery and realising my limits but its also about realising my true potential.

We all have our own Everest to climb in life, our own tracks to follow, our own hurdles to overcome. In my life I have learnt that life is not so much about winning, its more about losing and how we may fight back, rising above adversity, standing our own ground and believing in ourselves where other belief has failed.

Its about running round that track, dealing with the hurdles, and keeping in lane.

So, to some my story is complex, but the message is simple…And what of my next great steps and Everest, I have not managed to find all the funding for me to get to the great mountain for 2007, so I will do what I always do and keep striving forwards and I will try for 2008.

As I have already mentioned. One symptom of schizophrenia is ‘delusions of grandeur’, to me it’s a dream, but, if my feelings are beyond me as others suggest and Everest is in fact a ‘delusion of grandeur’ then long may it exist…

Thank you.