Stuart Baker-Brown.

Sept 3rd | Being Me... 'Delusions of Grandeur'
Schizophrenia can be so destructive and can leave the sufferer feeling powerless and weak, demoralised and broken. Yet, in my experience the condition can be so powerful, not only in a destructive way, but in a very creative way which has often left me feeling i could achieve anything in my life. From writing the greatest books, painting the most wonderful pictures, designing the greatest buildings. Yet on other days in the past, i have felt incapable of any achievement beyond suffering and coping with my schizophrenia. That is because both, the overpowering symptoms and the attitude from others that i would not be able to achieve much beyond coping with my diagnosis.

In the past and when under psychiatric services, i often had wonderful visions of my capabilities and still do but it was easily assumed by many in the medical world, because of my diagnosis, that i was suffering from 'delusions of grandeur' a symptom of schizophrenia. It has been assumed that wanting to climb Everest is a 'delusion of grandeur' i have had the same attitude from many about trekking to Everest Base Camp in 2003 and other activities i have now succeeded with.

As though my diagnosis would stop me from achieving or things i wanted to achieve were simply beyond my true expectations.

I have many good sportsmen in my family who have achieved much in the judo world and i myself have achieved in sport from an early age. i have designers in my family, architects, there have been painters and writers too but because i have the diagnosis of schizophrenia it was assumed i was somehow deluded about my suggested capabilities, yet it is accepted that others without the diagnosis can reach their dreams.

I have strong belief that the majority of the destruction caused by schizophrenia, in my own case, equal to my symptoms, is because of the lack of understanding of the condition and how to treat symptoms correctly. The ignorance shown to me by psychiatry, psychiatric nurses, people in other regions of the mental health world has been demoralising and heart breaking to say the least.

Frankly, people with schizophrenia can be very creative and i feel a lot of the symptoms we experience should be encouraged and greatly understood more. We are powerful individuals with good vision and dreams and this needs to be recognised far greater than it is, rather than be oppressed by negative attitudes, poor understanding and poor treatment.

Im my own experience, psychiatry and those outside psychiatry who should have greater understanding of schizophrenia, not only mistreat the condition and show poor understanding but also take away hopes and dreams, vision and capability, where hopes and dreams and vision and capability should be encouraged for the greater purpose of self belief where self belief has been lost

With the treatment of my own condition, i was viewed as a symptom and nothing more. The services that were there to help and guide me knew nothing about my past and did not seem to care about any true potential i may have. Because of my diagnosis it was just assumed that my true capabilities would never really stretch beyond coping with my condition of schizophrenia.

Now i am no longer suffering from the condition and i have been out of the psychiatric services for some years, which i left myself because of there diabolical treatment and misunderstanding towards me, i am becoming a photographer, i am writing, i have high hopes and dreams and i feel that in time, i can reach my desires. Breaking away from the psychiatric services has helped me to find confidence and flourish.

Hanging on to my own dreams and self belief has helped to create my life. I believe that if i would have continued being involved with the psychiatric services, then i would not be in the more fortunate position i find myself in today.

Not too many years ago the services that were there to help and guide me would not have believed or encouraged the things i would start to achieve in my future. I would have and have been told, that its too much for someone like me!

If my dreams are beyond me as others have suggested because of my diagnosis, so what!

Dreams are wonderful and without dreams and hopes a big part of life will always be lost. Dreams and hopes gives us direction a path to follow. Maybe its about time some 'delusions of grandeur' were seen as possible goals that can be reached. We would not question an undiagnosed man or woman about their own personal dreams!

If it wasn't for possible 'delusions of grandeur' man would not have achieved so much. There would be no progress, no art, no mountain climbed, no space exploration, no scientific breakthrough, no philosophy, no theory, no purpose.

People with schizophrenia in my opinion could be and are good thinkers, creators, good artists and writers, good at many things which are too often taken away from us by those who simply don't understand or encourage us for the great values and powers we truly possess.
 
Stuart Baker-Brown.

Aug 25th | Is there a cure for Schizophrenia?
Well, over the years i used to think not! It is also too easily assumed by the medical world and others that this demoralising and destructive condition can not be cured totally. Some years ago i thought the same and could not see a way forward.
 
Now in 2007 i can recognise that i am virtually cured of my condition. I dont live with any voices, sometimes i have fear of persecution but speaking to others i recognise my levels of this symptom are probably only slightly higher than which others, friends and family, sometimes experience for themselves. Its my own perception of the situation that is sometimes different and recognition of that eases my fears.
 
I have suffered with all the symptoms of schizophrenia in the past.
 
I’ve always been able to recognize symtoms such as voices, psychosis, false and irrational beliefs, thought disorder, suicidal thoughts, depression, lack of motivation, the feeling of being controlled by outside forces and of course the paranoia and fear of persecution.
 
But over the years and after finding the correct medication back in 2001 i feel that i am finally cured, if there is such a thing. This has been achieved by my own 'will' to survive and my own understanding of my condition, learning how to deal with my symptoms productively, working with my voices rather than fighting them, recognising that i do feel paranoid and feel persecuted amongst other ways of coping. Recognition of symptoms and understanding when they were becoming active helped me not to lose control and spiral down that dark tunnel. 'Awareness' and 'acceptance' as well as correct medication, a personal belief in oneself are some of the keys to coping.
 
My own success has been achieved over many years and did not happen over night. Having a deep insight and personal understanding of myself and how i react to situations helped me to control my symptoms until they have now almost dissappeared altogether.
 
The other great thing i always held on to in my life was 'hopes and dreams'. Schizophrenia can leave the sufferer feeling broken day after day, year after year, without 'hope' and unable to 'dream' for a good future. I always held on to the future and believed that one day, i would regain control where all other belief from others had been lost.
 
I now only take a very low dose of medication, seroquel, when i feel my mind is active to help me sleep.
 
If i am suffering from schizophrenia at the moment, its what i call the 'fall out' of the condition. I have had schizophrenia for many years and have lost a lot of confidence in myself and others and the confidence to interact in society fully. I also feel inferior and sometimes feel i am incabable of achievements.
 
The condition and the misunderstanding of schizophrenia has left me with many knocks and chips.
 
I still find social occasions and people hard to deal with. This is because of my own fears and how people may judge me because of my diagnosis. 'Stigma and Discrimintion' towards my condition. These fears are sometimes justified sometimes not.
 
It is difficult to talk about my diagnosis to others, especially people i meet for the 1st time. It is also very difficult to initiate new relationships with a potential partner, once i mention my diagnosis doors can simply close.
 
When doors close this knocks confidence and the ability to take future steps to interact with others.
 
I am also concerned about work and having to take things easy. Although my life is becoming far more active, after years of being treated as though i may never work again by the psychiatric services, doubts about overstretching myself are sometimes strong and this can hold me back.
 
So, the 'fall out' of my condition is the next big step to conquer and is being conquered. It is my own self believe that keeps breaking down these barriers and will continue to do so. Although my self belief can sometimes be low, it can on many occasions be great and easily outways personal self doubt and doubt from others.
 
The 'fall out' of my condition can be hard to deal with. The lack of belief and understanding from others and the stigma and discrimintion towards people with schizophrenia can be just as heart breaking as the diagnosis itself.
 
But the stronger i become, the more people believe in me, and the more people believe in me, then doors will open in relationships, personal and work, as they are and then life will be fully regained.
 
Stuart Baker-Brown.

July 20th | Langsdale valley. The Lake District
Amongst the hills, the storm I walked, and heard the hills, the rocks and river speak.
The heart and blood of the land, as the thunder roared the rain poured.

The river spoke of life and the rocks my dreams.

The hills were my guardian and the thunder was the voice of my gods.
And for a time we were one, the same.

In the rain I sat by the river on a rock and looked up to the hills, the future.

The Gods called to me, again and again in thunder.
The river spoke of life and showed me the past flowing by.
The rock provoked thought and dreams.

And as i sat, in the present. The rain poured, thunder roared, amongst the hills and the storm.

6.45pm. 19th July | Langsdale
The clouds have come again and I hear the past.
The hills are dark and it is turning cold.
The sun has gone and the trees are motionless, silent. A storm is collecting.

Yet, on the summit of a distant hill, there is light amongst the dark. Somehow it breaks through from somewhere. I watch as the light spreads and the hills become alive once more.

The light travels swiftly towards the valley where I sit, alone.
And I think of the future, until, it disappears once more into darkness and again the memory of the past is here with me.

this time though, the ground beneath my feet is not harsh but soft and lush and i smile briefly. I know the storm will pass.