Stuart's Diary: February to April 2006
Including the Mera Peak training expedition.

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5 April
We stayed an extra day and then 10am on the 5th we started to descend back down to Kothe.  I spent most of yesterday 4th weighing up the possibilities of trying to ascend Mera.  I feel that although my weight would work so much against me I should still try. When I asked Furgeljen if it was at all possible that I could get on Mera, his reply was ‘yes, possible’. But again he told me to ‘come back another time, another day’.

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4 April: Tagnak
After a days rest it has been decided that Mera is too snow bound for me to go any further.  Furgeljen my lead Sherpa has advised me to ‘try Mera another time’.  Furgeljen has assessed the climb and has decided that the Mountain is under 3-4 meters of snow and although he could mange to climb Mera I couldn’t because of my weight.  I would simply spend my time wading through and sinking in the deep snow. I feel that I have failed.

I know that if I was a lot lighter in weight I would have probably had a better chance of success.  I wish I could go forward.  But I must listen to Furgeljen.  We could spend 3-4 hours more climbing a little higher but that would be it!  It would be to no avail.  It’s the safest option for me to accept Furgeljen opinion.  The weather has been bad and much snow has fallen.  Sometimes things just cannot be!

I have learnt valuable lessons on this trip for my future climb on Everest.  So in that respect my trip has been very successful.

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2 April: Onwards to Tagnak - 4300m
Today we set out towards Tagnak.  A 5 hour journey over rocks in a cold snowy valley. Sonam, my cook, Nurus brother, said to me at breakfast, are you ready to die again!

Although the route is not steep, it is hard over the many rocks and was very cold.  There is a point where we had to keep moving because of surrounding rock fall.  And rocks were falling every minute!

From here Mera cant be seen.  The area looked and felt like a lunar landscape, barren, cold, isolated.

As we moved up the valley the weather would come from behind us.  Cloud and rain and snow would arrive up the valley with speed.  The walk would often be clear and warm but soon turn into low visibility with snow and rain.

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1 April: The Maoists
From Zetera we walked for approx 5 hours towards Kothe Aprox 3600m.  Kothe is a Maoist village, where the Sherpa Communist Front is based.

Before we entered into Kothe I did speak with both my Sherpa’s, Furgeljen and Sonam about my concerns about the Maoist, not so much about meeting with Maoist but concerns about having my Satellite phone taken from me and being unable to contact Jane in the UK. The phone is my only link to support for dealing with my paranoia and fears, my illness. Having Jane on the end of the line for reassurance is vital for me if I am to succeed with this trip. I was warned that the Maoist may want my phone. Furgeljen, my lead Sherpa, agreed to talk with the Maoist about the phone and let them know the situation with my mental health and the reasons why it was important for me to have the phone close at hand, at all times.

Within a short while of entering Kothe and after we had set up camp, Furgeljen informed me that he had spoken with the local Maoist captain and that I could keep my satellite phone. This was with much relief to me. I had decided that if the phone was taken, then I would set back for Lukla immediately. I was informed by Furgeljen that the Maoist were very understanding of my needs and only wanted to help me and not hinder my journey in any way.

I had to pay 5000 rupees for entering into Maoist territory. This is slightly higher than normal for a tourist, simply because I was the only tourist in the village. It was explained to me that the cost was high because I was the only tourist and that the amount would help with clothing for the children and food for the families of the soldiers and help support local families for insurance in case of a soldiers death. I was told that the captain was very apologetic for the high charge.

I felt very settled in Kothe and the fears I had felt before leaving for Nepal back in the UK about the Maoists and being in Maoist territory were unfounded. The Maoist I came across were very friendly and very polite to me. I did not feel intimidated or threatened in any way. No weapons were present at anytime during my stay at Kothe.

On route the weather was cold and snowing heavily. I have concerns about Mera. The more it snows the less likely I will be able to complete my goal.

On route to Kothe
On route to Kothe from Zetera via Taktar the route was quite treacherous. The path was thick with snow. A young Sherpa went before both Furgeljen and myself to prepare a path with my ice pick. I found the task both dangerous and exhilarating at the same time. The bad weather, although it would hamper my attempt on Mera, added to the adventure and excitement of the journey. Towards Taktar we dropped into the Rhododendron forests. Then followed the steep paths ascending up and down through the forest towards Kothe. The forests are ancient, thousands of years old and made up mostly of Himalayan pine and rhododendron trees.

On route to Kothe, my Sherpa warned me that Mera may be too dangerous for me to climb. I was also told that it may not be safe to climb for a few weeks.

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29 March: The climb on Zatrwa-La
The climb took me 3 ½ hours. Usually takes the Sherpa's half that time. It was physically very demanding for me being 123kg. One main reason for it being so hard for me was because of my weight. My weight is a curse. I followed my Lead Sherpa’s footsteps all the way but because he weighed 65 kg approx I just kept sinking in the snow when I placed my size 12 boots on to his steps.

I decided that I shouldn’t be doing this at nearly 20 stone. It was a good test for Everest. I know now that I must be a lot lighter for my climb next year, at least another 3 stones lighter.

The climb today was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. The climb was very steep and dangerous. I was pleased though with my will to carry on and get to the top. At times I did feel quite worried about the difficulty and about falling but I overcame my doubts and fears.

In the evening I lost all feeling in my left hand. I had spent most of my climb using my hand to balance me, so much so, that the coldness of the snow had caused me to lose all feeling. My lead Sherpa, Furgeljen, massaged my hand for 20minutes until some warmth was regained. Thankfully after sleeping with a hot water bottle covering my hand, all sensation returned the by the following morning.

I believe that many heights can be conquered in the Himalayas with average fitness, the most essential ’need’ to conquer great heights is a ‘big’ heart.

Trek on to Zetera
On route to Zetera we have heard from other Sherpa’s that Mera is impassable and that the mountain is under 3-4metres of snow. There have been a couple of attempts to climb Mera in the last week and both attempts have failed. My heart has dropped a bit, because of the news. All we can do is hope that the weather will improve and that the snow will ease.

After my climb on Chatra-La my legs were quite weak and a little unstable. It took a lot of strength from me.

For the last 3 nights I have been taking 400mg of Seroquel. So far I have not experienced any bad symptoms of altitude sickness AMS. I have been taking 400mg Ibuprofen tablets each day. My partner Jane read that Ibuprofen tablets can help ease symptoms of AMS. So far it seems to be working! Mentally I feel stable and feel very well overall. I am having to deal with some paranoia. But this is always natural for me. I feel very safe in Nepal even in the current political climate.

I did have concerns before I left for Nepal about the current political climate. I was concerned that I may be putting myself amongst the same type of situation I was in back in the USSR and the Communist Coup in 1991. The political situation and the stress I was under in the USSR triggered my 1st strong symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. 15 years on I am still trying to deal with my illness!

Equal, to worries about the political situation in Nepal, I was also concerned about travelling and being alone. I am used to having a loved one nearby who can reassure me and let me know all will be ok. The last two times I have been to Nepal my partner Jane has travelled with me. Just having a loved one close by who can offer reassurance can be a great relief of stress and help cure hours and days of concern and fear.

Stress is a major trigger for schizophrenia.

I do trust my Sherpa’s and I know they will do their best to keep me safe but unfortunately for me, they cant compensate for the reassurance and love offered by those closest and dearest.

As ever, with my mental illness, there's always so many mountains to climb!

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28 March: Rest day at Kharki-Teng. Looking up towards Chatra-La
Thoughts on climbing Chatra-La. Tomorrow I must climb 600m to the summit of Chatra-La. I have been told that this is probably the most difficult part of the climb to Mera Peak. Chatra-La has claimed lives from falls and avalanches over the years. As I look at it, I fear it, doubt my fitness to get to the top. The climb is very steep and is in ice and snow. But the rest day will hopefully make me feel a bit stronger. As I look up to the summit, I keep telling myself that the climb ahead is symbolic of my struggle with mental illness, and that I will succeed. I have been her many times before, climbed to higher summits along far steeper paths.

The day is cold and I feel breathless at this height. So far, apart from mild experiences of AMS at Lukla after taking my medication, I feel physically and mentally very well. This trip is a prep for Everest and at its end I hopefully will have greater understanding of how my medication works in extreme condition at extreme altitude.

When I was last at altitude in Tibet I felt fine. Once I took my medication symptoms of AMS came on within ten minutes. I need to sort out what the lowest dose of medication is that I can happily survive on which will enable me to have the best balance of mind and physical strength. Medication does sedate and can sedate heavily. Sometimes I have to increase my medication when symptoms of schizophrenia and paranoia become active. The balance has to be right for me to succeed on Everest. If my schizophrenia is active it could put the whole climb on Everest in jeopardy. Hopefully Mera will help me have more understanding of my fears and concerns.

So far I have been taking 400mg of Seroquel, an anti psychotic medication I have been on for some years now. When I was trekking to Everest BC in 2003 I took my medication at both morning time and late in the evening. This left me feeling sedated and made my trek much harder than it should have been.

So far, I have been taking my medication around 5pm which seems to suit me. I feel sedated early evening and sleep well, waking in the morning feeling quite lively and bright. All 400mg are taken in the evening.

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27 March: Onwards from Lukla to Chutenga arriving at Kharki-Teng - 4050m
Set camp at 4050m. The Mountains are like Gods. I feel an excitement when I am near to the Himalayas. I love being here, up this high, because I am in ‘awe’ of their presence and power. Each Mountain is beautiful and unique, I feel somewhat protected amongst their presence, as though they are both mother and father.

When I saw the Himalayas from the Plane window for the first time in 2003, the presence and power bought an emotional response from me. I remember thinking to myself, if ever God lived on Earth, he would be here in the Himalayas. There is a magnificent view of the mountains from Kharki-Teng. I feel very happy to be here. I am with paranoia and fear, what's new!

Because I am exhausted my stress levels are high and this brings on my illness. Getting to sleep in the tent is hard and I see threatening shadows everywhere but I know its my imagination my active symptoms. Once I sleep I sleep quite solidly.

Whilst relaxing sitting on a rock I looked up to the summit of the surrounding mountains which are 5000m+. 5 Golden Eagles soured above circling in the air. A beautiful magnificent sight. I thought to myself, that’s where I want to be, that’s who I want to be. Yesterday I filmed a Lammergeier circling above me. They have a wingspan of 3m. Beautiful birds amongst beautiful mountains. From here you can still here the distant hum of the planes arriving into Lukla. All is ok really. Am on 400mg of Seroquel with no symptoms of AMS.

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25 March
Flew out to Lukla from Kathmandu yesterday.  Stayed one night at Lukla in the Sonam lodge.  Will be moving on to Chutenga this morning.  1st night in Kathmandu was hard for me.  I was extremely tired and exhausted.  Symptoms of schizophrenia were very strong, so much, that I felt that if they hadn’t disappeared by the following morning, I would return home to London.  But alas, all is now fine.  It has caused me to question what I am doing here alone and what drives me to challenge myself...the answer is always the same and quick to find, to offer hope to all sufferers, to find some self worth and prove that although I have paranoid schizophrenia, it doesn’t mean an end to life.  I am, like all sufferers, greater than my illness and should be treated as so...  I have slight concern about my trek to Mera.  I have been told that it is Maoist territory and that my satellite phone may be taken from me.  I am not worried about meeting any Maoist but am quite concerned about losing my only connection with reassurance back home.  Last night I slept very well.  Lukla is approx 2800m.  I did experience very mild symptoms of AMS and this was after I had taken my medication.

Have woken this morning to a lovely bright day.  Lukla is surrounded by mountains, again, I am in awe of the presence and power of the Himalayas. This will be my last entry for some time, as from now on there will be no electricity.  But all is well and am very much looking forward to getting to Mera. SBB

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17 March
I’m due to leave for Kathmandu on Monday 20th March. I have felt quite anxious and panicked over the past week. Nepal is politically unstable at the moment and this concerns me. I am concerned that may be putting myself amongst the same type of situation I was in during the Communist Coup USSR 1991. The political situation and the stress I was under in the USSR triggered my 1st strong symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia.

Because I have felt anxious and panicked over the past week, I decided to take extra medication. I increased my Seroquel from 400mg to 600mg per day. Thankfully, it has helped me and I do feel somewhat better than I did a few days back.

Equal, to worries about the political situation in Nepal, I am also concerned about travelling and being alone. I am used to having a loved one nearby who can reassure me and let me know all will be ok. The last two times I have been to Nepal my partner Jane has travelled with me. Just having a loved one close by who can offer reassurance can be a great relief of stress and help cure hours and days of concern and fear.

Stress is a major trigger for schizophrenia.

I do trust my Sherpa Nuru and know he will do his best to keep me safe but unfortunately for me, he cant compensate for the reassurance and love offered by those closest and dearest.

As ever, with my mental illness, there's always so many mountains to climb! SBB.

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9 March
Too often, people don't realise that there is also physical difficulties attached to mental illness. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes a few years back. This was brought on by immense weight gain and obesity due to unsuitable medication. I am constantly fighting my weight and physical fitness. I do have concerns about my weight and physical side effects that may occur whilst climbing and being in extreme conditions at such altitude. 

When I was trekking to Everest BC 2003, I was physically unwell at Namche approx 3200m. With AMS and stomach upset. A doctor had to be called and I was told that I was the wrong shape and weight to be doing such things! 

Nevertheless, I carried on and succeeded. 

I am currently 123kg. I know, my body is capable of achieving these Treks and Climbs. Because of my size I will take the climb to Mera a bit easier and slower than others. That's the key. It may take me an extra 2 days to reach Mera compared to some. I always stay in touch with the way I am feeling. Of course my size will work against me but common sense and being in touch with myself will prevail! 

Sherpa food really does suit my diet. Mainly vegetarian. On Mera there will be no chocolate or Pepsi! but lots of Sherpa stew and dal bhad...All good stuff. SBB. 

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26 February
My climb on Mera Peak is drawing near. Due to leave for Nepal from Heathrow 20th March. Staying at the Kathmandu Guest House. Will be flying to Lukla from Kathmandu and then will begin the trek to Mera High Camp 6000m.
 
Cant wait to be that high and camping for 10 days+. Facing the cold bare elements is like being at one with my mind and at one with Nature. I’m looking forward to spending time with my Sherpa Nuru. He is Buddhist and will be my Guide/Sirdar. I will take the opportunity to learn more about Buddhism and more about Nuru and the Sherpa people whilst at 6000m.
 
The trek and climb at this altitude is never going to be easy. It will be hard to get to the top. One major concern is altitude sickness, AMS. But that's why I’m going to Mera. As a prep for Everest to test my medication and the way my mind and body reacts in extreme conditions at extreme altitude. When in Tibet at 5200m last August I felt fine, a bit breathless but AMS came on soon after I took medication for my illness.
 
Hopefully Mera will help me to sort out my concerns and fears. Just want to do it now. SBB

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